Saturday 12 April 2014

Does my femininity look undervalued in this?


Does this bow tie go with my vacuum?

This week saw the once culturally relevant Kirsten Dunst make comments about gender roles that would have caused none to raise an eyebrow in the 1950's. However, in 2014 most of us feminists out here were wishing she'd choke a bit on her words. Not enough to kill her, just enough to make her run to the bathroom with embarrassment and puke a little, because words like that shouldn't be thrown around so carelessly anymore. Not when we've all come so far.

I'm not particularly offended by Dunst's comment that "You need a man to be a man and a woman to be a woman. That's why relationships work." I just wish she's clarify a little. What does it mean to Kirsten to 'be a woman'? And how do we all go about being one to make our relationship work? I mean, call me silly, but I though that trust, respect, and balance made a relationship work. The idea that Steve does the laundry hardly fits into Kirsten's terribly misguided guide to a lasting relationship. But please remind me...has Dunst ever been married? No. Her relationships with Hollywood leading men have been many, but not long lasting. Maybe Jake Gyllenahll and Toby McGuire had ideas about relationships that were a bit too progressive for her. Furthermore Kirsten's comments fail to recognize same sex couples. Where can they fit in here? I'm suspicious that she'd be the one at a lesbian wedding asking the brides which one was the butch and which the bitch. Cringe.

So should we be getting our backs up by a woman who was once quoted "I'd like to grow up and be beautiful. I know it doesn't matter, but it doesn't hurt"? As previously stated, these ideas of being pretty and running the household as one's main ambitions in life are revived as if from the mouth of Donna Reed. However it's what Kirsten understands and is comfortable with. "We all have to get our own jobs and make our own money, but staying at home, nurturing, being the mother, cooking — it's a valuable thing my mom created." We are all products of our environment. Kirsten's domestic role model is her mother and this is a lovely thing, but to comment that to stay at home and be nurturing are qualities only women possess is where it gets really stupid, and this anti-feminist sentiment from a woman who never wears a bra is surprising.

The National At-Home Dad Network suggests that 1.4 million men in America are the primary caregivers for their children. How do their relationships work? It doesn't fit into Kirsten's model of how a home should be run. In a more Disneyesque twist Kirsten then advises that "you need your knight in shining armor." Now it's doubtful she is referring to diaper duty here, but I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt.

I think most women understand that Kirsten is not a spokeswoman for any of us. She hasn't made a decent film since Bring It On and until this puff piece in Harper's Bazaar she's been off our radar for a long time. However, the more women in the media attempt to dictate what is 'normal' for the rest of us the more people may start to believe it and subscribe to this so-called normality. Be who you want to be in your home, but don't tell me who to be in mine. All she needed to do was to amend her quote slightly for me to have a totally different reaction to her article. Had she said 'What makes my relationship work is for us both to know what the other needs.' Presto! A totally harmless non-misogynistic comment I'd have nodded to as opposed to rolling my eyes.

As far as her comment about how we as a society are "undervaluing femininity" I feel that Dunst herself is most guilty of this by insinuating that to be feminine means to stay in the kitchen and make sandwiches. As women and as people we all have different ideas about our gender, our sexuality and our relationships. I'd really like Kirsten and everyone in the public eye who has fans and has influence to think a little harder before they speak about these matters. Her outdated ideas about what it means to be a woman and about what makes a relationship successful only causes us to bring a critical eye to our own kitchens and bedrooms where if it's working, it's not needed. Thanks for the advice Kirsten, but I'll keep my relationship just the way it is and I'll choose to shut the fuck up about it.


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