Today is my brother’s birthday, he is 38. The last time I
held a proper conversation with him was over 15 years ago and I’ve made no
secret of my sadness about our disconnect. I’m still clueless about what it is
that repels my brother about me. It’s not like I live nearby and would be a
nuisance, it’s not like I’ve ever asked him for money or for anything, in fact
it’s the opposite. I could go on and on about how nice I think I am or how it’s
him who’s missing out, but that’s just bullshit bravado really sad and dickish people
tell themselves for comfort when no one wants to hang with them.
I’ve been on Facebook since 2007 and never once stalked
anyone. I’m not curious enough about anyone from my past to troll their profile
and see if their wife is prettier than me, she won’t be. Or if someone’s life
is better than mine, it won’t be. I am very secure in both my skin and the life
I happily occupy. However, this changed last year when I watched Frozen for the
first time. Those of you who follow me and read my
blog will be familiar with my total emotional destruction watching those
two sisters go from being strangers to being best friends. Anyway, I blame
Disney for turning me in to a creepy creeper.
My brother blocked me on Facebook forever ago. We never even
made contact on it; he just blocked my ass from jump. Sad times. So I wasn’t
ever able to stalk him personally, so I had to go for the next best thing- his
wife. Yes I know that I sound like a total serial killer. If the shoe fits…
I know people who know my brother’s wife. I’ve never asked
them about her because really, why would knowing anything about her make my
situation any easier? It wouldn’t. I’ve never met her although apparently once
we were in the same place at the same time a few years ago and she walked right past me,
pushing my niece in her stroller and neither of us were any the wiser. It took
a mutual friend to point out what had occurred, “your brother’s wife and your niece
just walked past you.”
“Oh,” I said, bemused, “did they?” I swiftly went about my
business careful not to let on how much those words felt like a kick to the
stomach.
The truth is, at that time, I wouldn’t have know her if she
walked up and slapped me in the face, which is why shortly after that
non-encounter I looked her up on Facebook just so I’d know what she looked like
and that if I were ever back in town and saw her again, I’d be able to say “hello.”
Man she is adorable! Small with long brown hair and beautiful
sun-kissed skin, she looked kind and I was really pleased to see that she
looked so happy and I deduced that my brother must be happy too. I closed the
page and that was that…until it wasn’t.
Last year, after Frozen blew my heart open like a hand
grenade, I looked again, but I didn’t stop at just her profile picture. Delighted
that her settings were not set to private I looked through her albums;
desperate for some kind of connection to the brother I’d lost to long ago. I
felt kinds gross, but I was not disappointed with what I found.
I pored over photos of their gorgeous daughter, which were
abundant, and marvelled at how like him she looked. The killer shot to the heart was the album
filled with their exquisite wedding photos; him towering over her comically in
a tuxedo, dwarfing her in her stunning ivory dress with not a hair out of place.
I felt as though I’d opened Pandora’s Box and may not be able to shut it.
I couldn’t stop looking at how lovely they were. I was touched by their obvious joy
at being together. He deserved happiness and it looked to me like he’d found
it. Eventually I did manage to tear myself away from the images and haven’t been
back. For awhile I thought that was enough, that now that I’d seen he was OK, I
could move on and let it go (Frozen reference intended).
However I’m not sure
that I can. I want him to know that I’m here, we’re all here and if he’d just stop
being a stubborn asshole we might actually be friends. I hear he’s had another
baby too. Congrats! Someone please tell him that for me.
Sorry for stalking you, my brother’s wife. I meant well and
hope you’ll forgive me.
