And the award goes to...

It’s the day before my favourite night on television. A night I count down to almost as fervently as Christmas, and with twice as much anticipation. This night is filled with magical gowns and tears from speeches we all know have been well rehearsed. With congratulatory faces to the other nominees that prove these actors deserve their accolades. With jokes and flirting and did I mention beautiful gowns? It’s Oscar night!

Since I’ve lived in the UK (nearly 11 years) I haven’t really had the chance to enjoy this night. It begins at 11:30pm and always on a Sunday. It’s cruel, really. But that hasn’t tarnished my love and enthusiasm for the occasion in the slightest. Having trained as an actor in my youth, the Oscars have always been an aspirational place filled with aspirational little gold men I long to hold. More importantly this event is filled with full-grown men and women I long to hold. Meryl Streep, Sandra Bullock, Juliette Lewis and Matthew McConaghy (in his Magic Mike days. He’s too skinny to hold now I may hurt him). I love these actors, these people who can be anyone, even people with disturbingly inconsistent accents. Yes, I’m looking at you, Jennifer Lawrence.

I make a big deal out of seeing every Oscar film before the Oscars so I can weigh in like it matters. I Google the Golden Globes winners and watch the BAFTAs to see if I agree with their picks. I hardly ever do. It is with that inspiration that I’m writing this piece today. These are my picks. They probably won’t win, but they should. I’ve been surprised with how little myself and the various academies have disagreed this year. But let’s be honest, the only academy that actually counts is the Oscar Academy. And although the Golden Globes is usually a sure-fire indicator of who will be holding their own little gold man, I think and hope we may be surprised tonight.

Best Picture:

Who will win: 12 Years a Slave

Who should win: 12 Years a Slave

I agree with this one, although part of me really feels like Gravity deserves it as well. It was just a brilliant year for film, so it’s tough.

With 12 Years, it’s a British film, so already I have to love it. But despite its origin country, it is the most human of stories. The most torturous, brutal, emotive film I have seen in an incredibly long time. Not since Requiem for a Dream have I yelled in frustration at the cinema screen. The fact that this story is true, that so many men and women have these same atrocities as memories is a shameful stain on our history and I congratulate Steve McQueen and his unbelievable cast for having the courage and the talent to bring it to international screens. This film rightly deserves a place in history as it so beautifully brought our own horrible history back to haunt us in a way which has affected me, and most definitely many of you so deeply.

Best Actor:

Who will win: Matthew McConaghy

Who should win: Chiwetel Ejiofor

I know that historically dramatic weight loss has been a shoe-in for an Oscar win, but this year I think we need to make an exception.

While I think that what Matthew McConaghy and Jared Leto did to their bodies for Dallas Buyers Club is true dedication their craft, and shows a depth of character not matched by Christian Bale and his prosthetic belly, it should not determine the win. Not this year when Chiwetel Ejiofor is in the running. Solomon Northup deserves better. Yes, the actual man, but also the man who Chiwetel brought to life. That’s not to say that Ron Woodruff doesn’t deserve the same treatment. His story is inspirational in exceptional as well. I just feel that as a story, Solomon’s character was better explored and that Chiwetel took chances that McConaghy did not.

I’m going to be controversial here and say that McConaghy’s character was very similar to the one he played in Dazed and Confused and even a little bit in How to Lose a Guy in 10 days-Just a dickhead with a sexy accent. Except this time this dickhead is suffering with full blown AIDS in the 1980’s and trying to survive. Does he do an excellent job? Yes. Does he make you believe in his character? Yes. Does his weight loss make you incredibly uncomfortable at all times? Yes. But does his performance move you? Like really, really move you to cheer for him and to cry for him? No. Not for me which is why Chiwetel is my winner.

Best Actress:

Who will win: Cate Blanchette

Who should win: Sandra Bullock

I’m in the same predicament I was in the previous category. I loved both of the films these women were chosen from. I think Cate did a beautiful job playing the unravelling Jasmine. However, it takes one hell of an actress to be able to hold my attention on screen for nearly an hour and a half all by herself and Sandra does this with ease and with a believability I haven’t seen before.

Everyone remembers Castaway, and for the wrong reasons. Tom Hanks for nearly two hours. I nearly died from boredom. By an hour in I was making placards that read “Free Wilson”. The poor deflated volleyball deserved better. But Sandra Bullock is a different animal. A beautiful, vulnerable animal that is left out in fucking space. Just thinking about it now gives me anxiety.

Her performance was not big. It was not in your face and it was not your typical Oscar winning performance. But it was understated, it was real and it was so damn beautiful that my heart broke to pieces in my chest and was rebuilt twice over throughout the course of that film. Sandra truly deserves it.

Best Supporting Actor:

Who will win: Jared Leto

Who should win: Jonah Hill

The Wolf of Wallstreet was the first of the Oscar films I watched. After about 20 minutes I turned to Steve and said “Jonah Hill deserves a fucking Oscar.” After watching all of the contending films I still think this is true. Again, Jared Leto is stunning as Rayon and he too lost way too much weight for Dallas Buyers Club, but his character was also a bit one dimensional and his accent kept changing (my biggest pet hate). Now I’m sure it’s difficult to keep your accent consistent when all you’re thinking about is a meatball foot long from Subway, but really, to get my vote you gotta keep the accent unvarying. Every time his drawl lapsed I was snapped back into reality and remembered I wasn’t watching a real person. Movies aren’t supposed to do that. You should remain pleasantly fooled until the credits role and that’s what Jonah Hill did.

Hill’s Consistent accent, brilliant timing and great chemistry with DiCaprio means that he is still my choice for the Oscar. I think it’s a real shame that he won’t get it.

Best Supporting Actress:

Who will get it: Jennifer Lawrence

Who should get it: Anyone else (but mostly Lupita Nyong’o)

I’m probably going to get a lot of shit for this, but seriously, look at the nominees. Julia Roberts was blisteringly brilliant in AOC and I normally can’t stand her. She was vile and conniving and so damn believable as that character. Watching her and Meryl go toe to toe was my biggest pleasure of the whole Oscar season.

Then we have Sally Hawkins in Blue Jasmine who really allowed Cate Blanchette to be so great due to her generous nature as an actress. She never overpowers in a scene, but my eye always goes to her. I think she’s magic.

June Squibb was a cantankerous old housewife in Nebraska and played it with no warmth whatsoever which was such a pleasant surprise. Actresses of her age are always playing the sweet old dear, but not her. She brought to life one loathsome old mama and gave a great performance.

Finally there’s Lupita Nyong’o and she’s who really deserves this award in my opinion. How could her character not move you in 12 Years? At the end of that film all I kept thinking to myself is “what will become of Patsy?” She delivers a performance with such fierceness that although I loved Solomon as well; I hated him for not going back for her. If Jennifer Lawrence wins over this incredible new talent it will be shame on the Academy.

I like Jennifer Lawrence just fine. She can play Katniss and win Oscars when the other contenders are shit, but this year they are not. It will be like Julia Roberts winning over Ellen Bernstein in 2000, a travesty in the truest sense of the word.

Best Animated Film

Who will win: Frozen

Who should win: Frozen

“Let it go! Let it goooooo!” If you are still not hearing this song in your head months after you’ve seen the film you are dead inside. This was such a triumph for Disney. Their 2^nd film in a row where a beautiful princess does not need saving by a handsome prince. And though I’m still annoyed that they’ve sexed up Merida, I loved Frozen.

A story of sisters and of the love between them made such a nice change and Olaf as the heat-loving snowman totally melted my heart (I know).  Although Despicable Me 2 was hilarious and sweet and The Croods was cute. You just can’t compete with Disney.

So what do you think? Do you agree or not? Do you care? Do you want to punch me in the face for a variety of reasons? Tell me what your picks are and we’ll see who’s right later tonight. To all of you who can watch the Oscars at their normal family-friendly time I hate and envy you. I’ll be propping up my lids with toothpicks to get a glimpse at the gowns before promptly passing out and reading the list of winners in the morning on Yahoo.