According to this beautiful woman I have the same measurements as her when she started her 30 day workout regime. Her. Exact. Measurements. Look at this
Bust: 37″
Natural waist: 30
Waist: 35″
Hips: 37.5″
Thigh: 21.5
According to Sarah I should look just like her. Photos don't lie. But I look nothing like that. Do I?
I have body dysmorphic disorder. I am by all accounts mentally ill. Now don't hold the telethon just yet. I don't see it as a weakness. I am fully aware of my illness and although I don't completely understand it and can't ever beat it, I can live with it and my case is fairly mild. I don't suffer anxiety due to my appearance, but I do struggle day to day with how big or small I actually look. I genuinely can't tell.
So, what Sarah's blog revealed to me is that I might actually look she does and have no idea. I an see what she looks like, but I can't see what I do. Living with body dysmorphic disorder is never dull. One day you feel like you look too thin and the next you feel like you could grout your whole bathroom with the cellulite on your thighs. This is what went on in my head this morning in the shower: 'is that my arm? Fuck. It's enormous'. Every day what I see in the mirror is a surprise. For those of you who knew me in my 20's...why did you let me leave the house like that? I really needed a bra and a top with a back on it. Just a whole fucking top. Is that too much to ask?
The reason having this disorder is so damn tough is that clothing manufacturers do nothing to assist me in my quest to find my actual body size. In my closet right now I have jeans that are sized 10-14 (6-10 US). And the fucked up thing about this is they ALL fit! How is that possible?
Now I know those sizes are not for very big people, but I also have trousers size S-L. Is a size 10 (6 US) large? Am I a large person? I guess I am because I just ordered 3 swimsuits for my vacation all size L, but I wear a size 12 (8 US). How can I process this information? Sometimes I hold up jeans in front of the mirror to see if I think they look big. I lay them on my bed to see if the angle helps me to assess the size of them, but my perspective of the clothes isn't the problem it's my perspective of my body. In reality I have no idea whether I am fat or not and it doesn't help that I can't trust brands to be consistent with their sizing.
Talk about a first world problem, but it is a problem. And for someone like me it makes a big difference to how I feel about myself, as it's the only way I can measure how big I am since I genuinely can't see it. Clothing designers need to help us out. They need to standardize their sizing so we can all feel confident in our own skin. It doesn't feel good to buy those size 6 (10 UK) jeans in the US knowing that when I get them home to the UK they will measure as larger than my size 12 (UK 8) jeans. It's deceptive and it can be dangerous. For people like me who don't constantly check themselves, that size 6 may be enough to convince that person that they are a healthy weight and size, when in reality that size 6 has a 32 inch waist and should really be labeled as a size 10. I nearly passed out last Christmas when I had to ask the girl at Nordstrom Rack to get me a size 4. I am not a size 4, and the jeans I was swapping out were not a size 6.
It's a false economy to sell us pieces whose sizes are inconsistent and it makes shopping online nearly impossible. In a world where obesity is an epidemic, manufacturers need to start being more honest with consumers and we need to start being more honest with ourselves. As much as I'd like to be a size 6 I want to know that size is an accurate assessment of my measurements and not just a designers' ploy to sell more clothes.
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