Congratulations! You have piss poor judgement!

I hope my friend doesn't kill me for writing this, but it's been bothering me for days now. I actually sat up this morning and ran through all the possible options and came to the conclusion that there is no worse question to ask a woman than 'are you pregnant'? I thought of 'are those real'?  or 'are you on your period'? even the old high school throwback 'do you smell fish'? After careful consideration I decided that I would rather be asked those questions for eternity than have someone ask me even once 'are you pregnant'?

It is never ever fucking OK to ask a woman if she's pregnant. Ever. In fact, I find it hard to believe that in the history of the world anyone has ever thought that this was OK unless you're a god damned doctor, then you can ask away. What can possibly be gained by asking someone this highly personal question? And what are you insinuating with your query?

Photo by: http://imgur.com/C4Q2A

There are events in everyone's lives that are top of the tree in terms of personal importance. I myself am childless, but I imagine that being pregnant is one of them. I have friends and family members who planned for months how they were going to tell everyone the big news. Recently a video of a man finding out he's about to be a grandfather via a fortune cookie went viral and brought a tear to even my cynical eye. Most women I know believe it's bad luck to discuss a pregnancy before the first three months, so how the actual fuck someone has the big, bold vagina or testes to walk up to woman and ask her to divulge this, the innermost workings of her body, her biggest secret ever, her most joyous moment which is hers alone to share at the fucking water cooler floors me. I feel enraged that we are so invested in other women's bodies that we feel that to ask this is in any way acceptable.

Why are you asking me if I'm pregnant? What if I am? What does that have to do with you?
What if I'm not, but I've been trying for years and something isn't working? What if I recently miscarried or I just had an abortion? What if I'm still pregnant with my baby, but it has died and I still have to give birth to it because I'm too far gone. This is some dark shit, and it's shit I wouldn't want to discuss with some nosy-as-fuck work colleague. You have no business knowing. If I'm pregnant and I want you to know, you'll  know.

We are all allowed to put on a little weight if we want to, or if we don't. I don't want to have to worry that if I have a big lunch some idiot is going to assume I'm cultivating a fetus. It's just a curry. In the media today we are so fixated on other people's lives, other people's relationships and other people's wombs. It's not natural and it's unfair. Let's all try a little harder to focus on ourselves and our journey and let others do the same.

No good will ever come of asking someone this question. Their feelings will always be hurt and you will always look like an asshole. Wait it out, do not steal their moment. Let them tell you when they want to and how they want to. And if they never tell you and there is never any baby, you'll be so glad you never asked.