Being Kind is not About Race

By now I think most people have seen the video taken on a train in Australia where a young woman came to the defence of a young Mulsim couple being verbally abused by fellow Australian passengers. If you haven't you can watch it here, or spend more time on the Internet, not enjoying this gorgeous weather like me.

Now that you've seen that vile display of xenophobia, let me ask you, would you intervene? The young woman, Stacey Eden is being hailed as a hero for standing up for the young couple, but some think that by rushing in, she took the opportunity away for the couple to defend themselves.

In this interesting, if not ridiculous article, Ashitha Nagesh says that Eden must be suffering from a 'saviour complex' and that her intervention was not an attempt to silence the couple's attackers, but to 'save the day' because she is white.

Call me crazy, but I don't think her race has shit-all to do what she did. I think that she's just the kind of person who springs to action if she sees something inexcusable happening, especially when the idiots doing the lambasting were apparently speaking for Australia and she certainly didn't agree with them.

 If you see something, say something. I'd like to believe that doesn't just apply to left luggage. This society is so hell-bent on being annoyed about shit that this girl's well-intended action has led to this reporter criticising her motives. What a sad fucking take on humanity.

Would it have done the couple any good to stand up for themselves? It may have made things worse, and damn Eden for not letting us find out, right? But as you can see from the video, it wouldn't have made things any better. Those bigots were happy to keep fighting, even after Eden's sweet, but juvenile advice: 'If you can't say something nice, than don't say anything.'

I will always stand up for you and I am white. Whether that makes me an asshole, I don't know, but it certainly is better than the alternative of doing nothing. It's the people who do nothing that perpetuate this kind of shitty behaviour towards one another.  

Whether you are Muslim, black, white, Christian, Jewish, hell, even if you're a Scientologist and I see you getting shit on by someone, I will be on your side because that's the right thing to do, not because I'm white and I think you need me.

Cheer the hell up, Nagesh. I applaud this young woman for standing up to these racist idiots. If someone was on a train in the UK, where you live, telling me that I don't belong here and that I'm surely going to force everyone give up their pork products and shellfish because I'm Jewish, would you not intervene? Would you let those people speak for you? I sure as hell hope not.

I hope you'd tell them where to go, just like Eden did. And I sure as hell wouldn't call you names for daring to get involved. I'd shake the hell out of your hand because that's what people do.

My Wedding Wisdom

One of my best friends announced yesterday that she is getting married. HOORAY! I love a wedding and I love being married. So I thought I'd take this opportunity to give her, and anyone else who wants it, my top tips about planning, executing and enjoying your wedding. 

1. A wedding doesn't have to cost a fortune
Anyone spending more than £3,000 on a wedding is crazy. Taking out a loan or saving for years for one day of your life isn't practical. Think of all the handbags you could purchase with £12,000, all the amazing vacations you could take or, fuck it, all the Cinnabons you could buy! Seriously, though, you want to enjoy your marriage and the biggest reason for newly married couples to fall out is over money. Don't start your marriage in debt and resenting each other. It won't end well.

2. It is your day
Everyone will want a piece of you and want to dictate some of your wedding details. From the guest list to the dress, everyone wants to have a say. Don't let them. You haven't spoken to creepy Uncle Alan in years. He doesn't need an invite. Your mom doesn't like the idea of a Swing band and wants a DJ? Fuck her, it's not her wedding. You want to get married by Elvis, but your Maid of Honor thinks that's gauche? Screw her and get The King on speed dial, this is your day to get married to the man you're into. Do it your way or you'll regret it.

3. Dictating gifts is tacky
If you've been together ages and don't need much, the people who know you will get that and give you cash. Those who are so out of the loop, they think you've gotten this far into adulthood without being able to toast bread probably shouldn't be invited, but if they are, accept their toaster with a smile. Don't be an asshole and don't expect or demand people pay for your honeymoon. Ew.

4. Pick the people you want in your bridal party
No one gives a shit if your second cousin Mabel asked you to be a bridesmaid in 1995. You don't have to return that gesture. Pick people you love and who will support you, not compete with you or make you feel shit.

There's always some twatty friend you've had since high school who ruins your fun by trying to dictate the dress she wants to wear or by refusing to walk down the aisle with your grabby step-dad. You don't need that. You need people by your side who will rally. People who will wrap you in cling film when your dress won't zip up the morning of, or who will fix your makeup when the girl you hired makes you look like a rodeo clown whore.  

5. Your husband-to-be won't do much
I know that I'm generalising here, but in my experience and the experience of all my other married friends, this has been the case. Don't get frustrated about it, just accept it and move on. His reluctance to get involved with the flower arrangements doesn't mean he doesn't love you. His reticence to write his own vows says nothing about your relationship, he'll do it. Eventually. And those vows will be beautiful and touching and make you have ugly crying face in many of your photos. His lack of interest in planning a wedding does not reflect his level of interest in you.

6. No one cares about decorations or favours
Your guests are there to celebrate the love you and your partner have for each other, not to get free shit. I find that if you have a chocolate fountain, no one ever complains or looks dissatisfied the whole damn day.

If you piss away money on little magnets with your faces on them, don't be upset when most of them get left behind at the venue. Spent £1000 on flowers? Guess what? You have to take them all home with you and watch your hard earned money die in your front room. Look for other organic and inexpensive alternatives, your wedding will still be increds.

7. Your dress, your rules
If you take your mom, then take no more than one other person dress shopping with you and take your most fashionable friend. Dress shopping is stress shopping. If you find something you love, get it. You have to wear it and love it. If you feel amazing in it, you look great too. Hell, if you're anything like me, your partner won't have seen you in a dress many other times, so it will be special no matter what.

Don't want to wear a dress? Who the fuck says you have to? Wear that Velvet jumpsuit with pride and rock down that aisle. You look fabulous.

8. Someone will lose their damn mind at your wedding
A member of my bridal party sexually molested another member after she threw a tantrum and bled all over her dress trying to dry-shave her legs in the sink. At my friends' wedding reception, the venu shut down and we all got kicked out because two of the other guests were doing drugs in the bathroom. At another friend's wedding, a mutual friend got so drunk she lay on the floor screaming 'when's it my turn?'

I say this, not to scare you, but to warn you. This shit happens and it's best you just get the hell away from it as fast as you can. Have good people around you who will insulate you from the insanity of some of your guests. Weddings do weird shit to people.

9. Remember what the day is about
Whether you have 150 people at your wedding or you elope and it's just you two, remember that the wedding is a celebration of your union. It's whatever the hell you want it to be, but it should be yours. Turning into Bridezilla whilst planning and trying to get through the day is a tragedy. Keep it fun and awesome, like you two and everything will be fine. 

OMG. FGM.

This week in the UK, The NHS passed legislation stating that any woman discovered to have a genital piercing, either in the vulva or the clitoris will need to be reported as a victim of FGM (female Genital Mutilation) and that the individual or establishment responsible for the procedure can be prosecuted for performing it. Wait, I’m sorry…what? This does not sit well with me. A western woman making the choice to pierce her clitoris to increase sexual pleasure or to ornament her body is not a victim. 

I firmly believe you should be able to do whatever you want to your own body. Brand it, tattoo it, pierce it. Or not, it’s your choice. That is the core difference between opting to embellish your own body and FGM. FGM takes the choice away from the woman whose body is being mutilated. If we start including ornamentation under the mutilation umbrella, it’s a slippery slope. What about lazer hair removal or tattoos on or near the genitals? Again, these are elective cosmetic treatments that women are choosing for themselves and what the NHS is saying, without actually saying it, with its body policing, is that women can’t be trusted with that choice. 

I’m a feminist, so I believe totally in equality between the sexes. This is why I’m no fan of circumcision, despite being Jewish. If a child is too young to consent, then the procedure should not be carried out. It’s an unnecessary, painful tradition which damages the genitals and is performed without permission. I consider circumcision MGM (Male Genital Mutilation.) So why aren’t Brit Milahs being busted? And using the same logic as it's applying to women, why aren't Prince Albert and testicular piercings being scrutinized by the NHS? What’s the difference? Why can men be trusted to make choices about their bodies in this way, but women can’t?  

Something is very wrong here. The NHS is essentially equating a woman getting her clitoris hacked off with no anesthesia in the kitchen of someone’s house to a putting a pretty little ring though your labia, and that’s a dangerous comparison. It trivializes the trauma experienced by real victims of FGM by equating it to the act of electing to walk into a sterile tattoo parlor and pierce one’s vulva, which in no way irreparably damages the sex organs. Also, and most importantly, it implies that victims of FGM have some say in their procedure, and most do not.   

More than 120 million women worldwide are victims of FGM and I refuse to include Lady Gaga and Janet Jackson in those statistics. Get your shit together, NHS, surely you have better things to do than look for victims where there aren't any. It's my vulva and my choice.

Can the Motherless Mother?

So I'm 34 and I have no children. I've been married for ten years to a man I'm pretty into and yet we have no offspring to speak of. I've been asked 'why' on many occasions and each time I just screw my face up in mock disgust and shake my head to shut that conversation down. I don't need to have an answer as to why I haven't procreated and the truth is I'm not really sure myself.

Growing up I wasn't overly excited by dolls that wet themselves and I rarely played House. I used to think I was just programmed differently and I still don't think I can be trusted not to kill something left in my care for a prolonged period of time. My poor orchids can attest to that. I keep watering them and one day they look incredible and the next...barren, dead, murdered. 

I wouldn't know how to mom. Being motherless myself, who the hell would I call if I accidentally set the baby on fire, or if I needed a break because I might set the baby on fire? Who would tell me anecdotes about myself as a baby while examining the Rorschac-like contents of my baby's diaper? Who would stand in the queue with me amongst all the other people's screaming children and keep me from snapping as we waited for the Easter Bunny?

Of course I have fantastic people in my life who I could count on to step up, and some of them are much closer to me than family. But I firmly believe that you can't visit your crazy on these special people too much because they are not bound to you by blood and can fuck off whenever they like. For me, it's important to have a mom to have a baby. 

I do wonder that if my mom had died earlier in my life or later if I'd feel differently. If losing the one woman who you have constant access to at the time when you need that access most is the reason I'm broken. Maybe if I'd been younger when my dad remarried I'd feel more comfortable squeezing out a few people? Whatever the reason, as my friends talk about the loud ticking of their biological clocks, I'm shaking mine to see if it works.

Maybe I'll be like Sophie B. Hawkins and get pregnant at 50 and be so happy I waited, but then Steve would be nearly 60 and that's just gross. Or maybe it never happens, and at 50 I'm so mad at myself for not taking a chance earlier. But taking a chance when you're talking about someone else's life is what's selfish, not abstaining from having kids altogether. A friend of mine who has kids, once asked me in extreme earnestness if I wanted to die alone. I mean what a stupid question. We all die alone and that is pretty much the worst reason to have a child I've ever heard of.

But that's just it, people have babies for lots of reasons, some of them completely insane, and maybe I just haven't found my reason yet. I can think of so many reasons not to; I'm too poor, it might die, I might die, it might hate me, I don't know what I'm doing, etc. that maybe the cons just outweigh the pros at this stage. I've never ruled children out altogether, but I still can't see myself celebrating a Mother's Day anytime soon.

Child is raped for having body- Obviously her fault

Another day another reason to ask what the actual fuck is going on in the world. In Sweden a 27-year-old kiddie fiddler has just been acquitted of the rape of a 13-year-old because breasts. 

I write this blog with tears in my eyes, not just because I'm a little drunk, but because a week after fucking International Women's Day, where we all celebrate our genitals, and people who don't have the same set give us the thumbs up or a high five, there have been some pretty spectacular examples of how fucked we all really are. 

Exhibit A. the child rapists' 'but she has tits defence.'
I'd love to go to Sweden, walk into a hospital and just turn off someone's life support. Giving no fucks about how likely their recovery is, just pick the sickest looking one and shut that shit down. Because that's obviously how shit works there. Facts don't matter, just superficial fucking bullshit matters. This girl is a foster child who ran away, she was alone, hungry and vulnerable as all hell, but because she has a 'well developed' body, she's a totally suitable candidate for sexual intercourse. No.

This is setting a very dangerous precedent and it's not even that unusual. Look at the Lolitaesque photo they've chosen for the article. Ew. Get your shit together, Sweden. Sexual assault is never the victim's fault. I don't care how massive her tween jugs are. The logic that she is in some way responsible for some perverted shitstain preying on her because of her body makes me actually sick.  How is this real life?

Exhibit B.  'You exaggerated the parts of your body I like to touch without permission and drew attention to the fact that I like to do that. Now Imma kill you'
Elsewhere in the world, Afghan Performance Artist, Kubra Khademiis is getting death and rape threats for daring to walk through the street wearing a busty suit of armor. True to form, the shitting  BBC calls this very real protest a 'stunt' to ensure we don't take her seriously. What an incredibly brave woman for calling out the hypocritical harassers of Afghanistan. Whether in a burka or an iron suit with a giant ass, the women of Afghanistan are getting harassed and molested on the daily, but it's a 'Middle Eastern problem.' My ass. Actually my ass.

This shit happens every day all over the world. Japan has separate 'Flower Cars' on trains to prevent women being fondled on their daily commute. And Egypt has just introduced the same thing on many of its popular train routes to combat the growing problem of sexual harassment. Is segregation really the answer? No. Control yourself, and if you can't and some smart woman calls you out on it, maybe it's time to look at your own behavior and not threaten to kill her because you're a damn pervert and can't keep your hands to yourself. Her body is not making you touch it.

I don't want any girl anywhere to feel like their body is in any way the problem. No matter what, the victim is never to blame, but how difficult a message must that be to receive when so much that we know and see is telling us the exact opposite? The bloody law is telling us the opposite and the majority is telling us the opposite. We need to change the narrative and we need to change it now, because even people like me are starting to lose hope.

Happy International Vag Day

Yes it's that time again where my genitals have awarded me one whole day to be recognized for having those specific genitals! Strike up the band!

You should all know how I feel about International Women's Day and if you don't, I hope you got the context clues from my opening sentences that I think it's pretty lame. This day is supposedly to mark the advancement of women everywhere, but I have trouble seeing much international progress. Women globally still have no access to education, there are still many countries practicing FGM, with once shocking case taking place in a UK hospital recently and with a rape every 6 seconds (RAINN) in the incredibly well developed and well educated USA, I think we can do better.

I am a privileged white woman. I live in a western society, was raised in a middle-class home and I shop at Waitrose. Many women like me can't see that globally there is massive disparity between the rights of women and the rights of men. Because many women don't experience what they believe to be oppression in their daily lives, it's easy to forget that on average we earn 22% less than our male colleagues or that on average one in three women we know will be beaten or raped through the course of their life. This is not OK and it is oppression, we've just gotten used to it.

This kind of ignorance is dangerous. In order to make change we have to be able to see past our own noses and fight for women everywhere. Check your privilege, ladies. Look around you and wake the hell up. Here's a handy map to help you see how women are treated in the rest of the world. How does your country look? Not as great as you thought it would, right?  Globally women's problems need attention and if we don't fight together who the hell will fight for us?

This week Mukesh Singh, one of the gang rapists sentenced to death for the brutal rape and murder of Jyoti Singh in India in 2012 stated that 'girls are much more responsible for rape than boys.' Though   shocking, this attitude is not unique. Recently the University of Virginia banned its female students from attending 'bid night' fraternity parties citing it was 'for their own safety.' This implication that men can't control themselves around women and that if we get raped it's somehow in response to something we did is an archaic idea and its renaissance is unsettling.

Just this week in Ohio, a bill was proposed to limit a woman's access to birth control and to completely eradicate abortions being covered by healthcare, even if the mother's life is in danger. Is this real life? Are you fucking serious? I was sure the days of back alley coat hanger abortions were behind us, but it appears there are still those in power who dispute the ownership of our own bodies. Are you scared yet? Good.

We need to wake up and start fighting back. It's great that we got the vote and all, but that should not be where feminism stops. This March 8th what are you going to do? How are you going to celebrate this day that is supposedly in our honour? I'll be at the WOW (women on the world) Festival if you'd like to join me. Or how about raising some money for a charity that supports the safety of women like Plan UK? Or signing this petition to stop those asshats from taking away our sisters' contraceptive rights? Whatever you do, do something that both celebrates your womanhood, but helps someone else celebrate theirs.

We deserve more than a day, but that's what we get. So on this crappy excuse for a tribute to our vaginas, let's make it count.

Sympathy for the Syrian Brides

When I was 15 years old I smoked nearly twenty cigarettes a day. I also drank from my father's liquor cabinet and threw up a lot, both from overindulgence in alcohol and my constant flirtation with bulimia. I made out with lots of boys at that age too, some with my freshly puke-scented breath. Some I didn't even like. It was just something to do.

I went to Catholic school so I'd learn discipline and not totally go off the rails like my brother, who at that time had not been permitted to graduate with his class due to excessive truancy. I was supposed to be different, but I was so tragically the same. I think we all are at that age. I look back on those years now with no regret or sadness. I got most of my self-destructiveness out of my system very early, so now I can focus on making my life and the lives of those who live on this world with me better. I am not that hot mess anymore.

The whole reason I'm here thinking about myself at that age, some 14 years later is that I am trying to make sense of why, at the age of 15, three more girls from the UK are traveling to Syria to fight with ISIS. What, in their minds is their purpose or their motivation? There's little to no evidence that these young ladies were radicalized at home or at school. The finger is being firmly pointed at social media, but even there the evidence is flimsy at best.These are not the first girls to do this. There have been eight girls in the last seven months who have made this same choice, to leave the UK for Syria. Apparently to fight and to marry. So what the hell is happening?

I can't help but wonder if what caused these girls to pack up and leave home was the same motivation that started me smoking and drinking and kissing those boys? Boredom and curiosity. This generation of teenagers have so much more to be dissatisfied with. They are constantly told that they're doomed, there's no jobs, no prospects and for the first time in the UK, university fees are totally unaffordable.I can't help but wonder that if I had a cause at the tender age if 15 if I'd have left home to fight for it because at that age I was reckless, dangerous and totally unconcerned about my future. I had nothing to lose and I think these girls don't either.

I really do feel that they have little understanding of what they're actually doing. To them this is a big adventure, they're pushing hard against life's boundaries to see what happens and it's too late to turn back. They've put the lipstick in their pockets and now they just have to walk out the door. I know comparing shoplifting makeup to treason may seem a weak comparison, but in the mind of a 15-year-old who understands neither the impact or the true consequences of their actions, I think it's a decent parallel.

So what happens now? The response by Scotland Yard has been lazy to say the least. We waited too long to alert authorities in Turkey and I can't help but wonder if this was intentional? Do we want these girls back? What happens when we find them? Will they be put in jail or slapped on the wrist? They have left the country of their birth to fight against it, so how can they return? Why haven't we done more to bring them back? How, as unaccompanied minors were they allowed to leave in the first place and where the hell did their parents think they were going?

There are a hell of a lot of questions that need answering, but I still struggle to see these girls as criminals. I see them as fantasist children trying on their big-girl pants. I see them as of victims of their own confusion and hormones. I see them as incredibly poor decision makers, like all teenage girls are. But I have trouble holding them wholly responsible for anything. I want to hear more from the parents and I really want to hear from them. So let's try a little harder to bring them back, let's not make an example of them by letting them die. If these girls were white and heading to Russia, for example, I can't help but feel our response would be more urgent.

I would like some answers and I think the only way we can help to save future young, impressionable women is to learn from those that have already been impressed upon. What were they promised? Love? Acceptance? Freedom? Most probably, and isn't that what we all wanted at 15?