So I'm 34 and I have no children. I've been married for ten years to a man I'm pretty into and yet we have no offspring to speak of. I've been asked 'why' on many occasions and each time I just screw my face up in mock disgust and shake my head to shut that conversation down. I don't need to have an answer as to why I haven't procreated and the truth is I'm not really sure myself.
Growing up I wasn't overly excited by dolls that wet themselves and I rarely played House. I used to think I was just programmed differently and I still don't think I can be trusted not to kill something left in my care for a prolonged period of time. My poor orchids can attest to that. I keep watering them and one day they look incredible and the next...barren, dead, murdered.
I wouldn't know how to mom. Being motherless myself, who the hell would I call if I accidentally set the baby on fire, or if I needed a break because I might set the baby on fire? Who would tell me anecdotes about myself as a baby while examining the Rorschac-like contents of my baby's diaper? Who would stand in the queue with me amongst all the other people's screaming children and keep me from snapping as we waited for the Easter Bunny?
Of course I have fantastic people in my life who I could count on to step up, and some of them are much closer to me than family. But I firmly believe that you can't visit your crazy on these special people too much because they are not bound to you by blood and can fuck off whenever they like. For me, it's important to have a mom to have a baby.
I do wonder that if my mom had died earlier in my life or later if I'd feel differently. If losing the one woman who you have constant access to at the time when you need that access most is the reason I'm broken. Maybe if I'd been younger when my dad remarried I'd feel more comfortable squeezing out a few people? Whatever the reason, as my friends talk about the loud ticking of their biological clocks, I'm shaking mine to see if it works.
Maybe I'll be like Sophie B. Hawkins and get pregnant at 50 and be so happy I waited, but then Steve would be nearly 60 and that's just gross. Or maybe it never happens, and at 50 I'm so mad at myself for not taking a chance earlier. But taking a chance when you're talking about someone else's life is what's selfish, not abstaining from having kids altogether. A friend of mine who has kids, once asked me in extreme earnestness if I wanted to die alone. I mean what a stupid question. We all die alone and that is pretty much the worst reason to have a child I've ever heard of.
But that's just it, people have babies for lots of reasons, some of them completely insane, and maybe I just haven't found my reason yet. I can think of so many reasons not to; I'm too poor, it might die, I might die, it might hate me, I don't know what I'm doing, etc. that maybe the cons just outweigh the pros at this stage. I've never ruled children out altogether, but I still can't see myself celebrating a Mother's Day anytime soon.
Sunday, 15 March 2015
Saturday, 14 March 2015
Child is raped for having body- Obviously her fault
Another day another reason to ask what the actual fuck is going on in the world. In Sweden a 27-year-old kiddie fiddler has just been acquitted of the rape of a 13-year-old because breasts.
I write this blog with tears in my eyes, not just because I'm a little drunk, but because a week after fucking International Women's Day, where we all celebrate our genitals, and people who don't have the same set give us the thumbs up or a high five, there have been some pretty spectacular examples of how fucked we all really are.
Exhibit A. the child rapists' 'but she has tits defence.'
I'd love to go to Sweden, walk into a hospital and just turn off someone's life support. Giving no fucks about how likely their recovery is, just pick the sickest looking one and shut that shit down. Because that's obviously how shit works there. Facts don't matter, just superficial fucking bullshit matters. This girl is a foster child who ran away, she was alone, hungry and vulnerable as all hell, but because she has a 'well developed' body, she's a totally suitable candidate for sexual intercourse. No.
This is setting a very dangerous precedent and it's not even that unusual. Look at the Lolitaesque photo they've chosen for the article. Ew. Get your shit together, Sweden. Sexual assault is never the victim's fault. I don't care how massive her tween jugs are. The logic that she is in some way responsible for some perverted shitstain preying on her because of her body makes me actually sick. How is this real life?
Exhibit B. 'You exaggerated the parts of your body I like to touch without permission and drew attention to the fact that I like to do that. Now Imma kill you'
Elsewhere in the world, Afghan Performance Artist, Kubra Khademiis is getting death and rape threats for daring to walk through the street wearing a busty suit of armor. True to form, the shitting BBC calls this very real protest a 'stunt' to ensure we don't take her seriously. What an incredibly brave woman for calling out the hypocritical harassers of Afghanistan. Whether in a burka or an iron suit with a giant ass, the women of Afghanistan are getting harassed and molested on the daily, but it's a 'Middle Eastern problem.' My ass. Actually my ass.
This shit happens every day all over the world. Japan has separate 'Flower Cars' on trains to prevent women being fondled on their daily commute. And Egypt has just introduced the same thing on many of its popular train routes to combat the growing problem of sexual harassment. Is segregation really the answer? No. Control yourself, and if you can't and some smart woman calls you out on it, maybe it's time to look at your own behavior and not threaten to kill her because you're a damn pervert and can't keep your hands to yourself. Her body is not making you touch it.
I don't want any girl anywhere to feel like their body is in any way the problem. No matter what, the victim is never to blame, but how difficult a message must that be to receive when so much that we know and see is telling us the exact opposite? The bloody law is telling us the opposite and the majority is telling us the opposite. We need to change the narrative and we need to change it now, because even people like me are starting to lose hope.
I write this blog with tears in my eyes, not just because I'm a little drunk, but because a week after fucking International Women's Day, where we all celebrate our genitals, and people who don't have the same set give us the thumbs up or a high five, there have been some pretty spectacular examples of how fucked we all really are.
Exhibit A. the child rapists' 'but she has tits defence.'
I'd love to go to Sweden, walk into a hospital and just turn off someone's life support. Giving no fucks about how likely their recovery is, just pick the sickest looking one and shut that shit down. Because that's obviously how shit works there. Facts don't matter, just superficial fucking bullshit matters. This girl is a foster child who ran away, she was alone, hungry and vulnerable as all hell, but because she has a 'well developed' body, she's a totally suitable candidate for sexual intercourse. No.
This is setting a very dangerous precedent and it's not even that unusual. Look at the Lolitaesque photo they've chosen for the article. Ew. Get your shit together, Sweden. Sexual assault is never the victim's fault. I don't care how massive her tween jugs are. The logic that she is in some way responsible for some perverted shitstain preying on her because of her body makes me actually sick. How is this real life?
Exhibit B. 'You exaggerated the parts of your body I like to touch without permission and drew attention to the fact that I like to do that. Now Imma kill you'
Elsewhere in the world, Afghan Performance Artist, Kubra Khademiis is getting death and rape threats for daring to walk through the street wearing a busty suit of armor. True to form, the shitting BBC calls this very real protest a 'stunt' to ensure we don't take her seriously. What an incredibly brave woman for calling out the hypocritical harassers of Afghanistan. Whether in a burka or an iron suit with a giant ass, the women of Afghanistan are getting harassed and molested on the daily, but it's a 'Middle Eastern problem.' My ass. Actually my ass.
This shit happens every day all over the world. Japan has separate 'Flower Cars' on trains to prevent women being fondled on their daily commute. And Egypt has just introduced the same thing on many of its popular train routes to combat the growing problem of sexual harassment. Is segregation really the answer? No. Control yourself, and if you can't and some smart woman calls you out on it, maybe it's time to look at your own behavior and not threaten to kill her because you're a damn pervert and can't keep your hands to yourself. Her body is not making you touch it.
I don't want any girl anywhere to feel like their body is in any way the problem. No matter what, the victim is never to blame, but how difficult a message must that be to receive when so much that we know and see is telling us the exact opposite? The bloody law is telling us the opposite and the majority is telling us the opposite. We need to change the narrative and we need to change it now, because even people like me are starting to lose hope.
Friday, 6 March 2015
Happy International Vag Day
Yes it's that time again where my genitals have awarded me one whole
day to be recognized for having those specific genitals! Strike up the
band!
You should all know how I feel about International Women's Day and if you don't, I hope you got the context clues from my opening sentences that I think it's pretty lame. This day is supposedly to mark the advancement of women everywhere, but I have trouble seeing much international progress. Women globally still have no access to education, there are still many countries practicing FGM, with once shocking case taking place in a UK hospital recently and with a rape every 6 seconds (RAINN) in the incredibly well developed and well educated USA, I think we can do better.
I am a privileged white woman. I live in a western society, was raised in a middle-class home and I shop at Waitrose. Many women like me can't see that globally there is massive disparity between the rights of women and the rights of men. Because many women don't experience what they believe to be oppression in their daily lives, it's easy to forget that on average we earn 22% less than our male colleagues or that on average one in three women we know will be beaten or raped through the course of their life. This is not OK and it is oppression, we've just gotten used to it.
This kind of ignorance is dangerous. In order to make change we have to be able to see past our own noses and fight for women everywhere. Check your privilege, ladies. Look around you and wake the hell up. Here's a handy map to help you see how women are treated in the rest of the world. How does your country look? Not as great as you thought it would, right? Globally women's problems need attention and if we don't fight together who the hell will fight for us?
This week Mukesh Singh, one of the gang rapists sentenced to death for the brutal rape and murder of Jyoti Singh in India in 2012 stated that 'girls are much more responsible for rape than boys.' Though shocking, this attitude is not unique. Recently the University of Virginia banned its female students from attending 'bid night' fraternity parties citing it was 'for their own safety.' This implication that men can't control themselves around women and that if we get raped it's somehow in response to something we did is an archaic idea and its renaissance is unsettling.
Just this week in Ohio, a bill was proposed to limit a woman's access to birth control and to completely eradicate abortions being covered by healthcare, even if the mother's life is in danger. Is this real life? Are you fucking serious? I was sure the days of back alley coat hanger abortions were behind us, but it appears there are still those in power who dispute the ownership of our own bodies. Are you scared yet? Good.
We need to wake up and start fighting back. It's great that we got the vote and all, but that should not be where feminism stops. This March 8th what are you going to do? How are you going to celebrate this day that is supposedly in our honour? I'll be at the WOW (women on the world) Festival if you'd like to join me. Or how about raising some money for a charity that supports the safety of women like Plan UK? Or signing this petition to stop those asshats from taking away our sisters' contraceptive rights? Whatever you do, do something that both celebrates your womanhood, but helps someone else celebrate theirs.
We deserve more than a day, but that's what we get. So on this crappy excuse for a tribute to our vaginas, let's make it count.
You should all know how I feel about International Women's Day and if you don't, I hope you got the context clues from my opening sentences that I think it's pretty lame. This day is supposedly to mark the advancement of women everywhere, but I have trouble seeing much international progress. Women globally still have no access to education, there are still many countries practicing FGM, with once shocking case taking place in a UK hospital recently and with a rape every 6 seconds (RAINN) in the incredibly well developed and well educated USA, I think we can do better.
I am a privileged white woman. I live in a western society, was raised in a middle-class home and I shop at Waitrose. Many women like me can't see that globally there is massive disparity between the rights of women and the rights of men. Because many women don't experience what they believe to be oppression in their daily lives, it's easy to forget that on average we earn 22% less than our male colleagues or that on average one in three women we know will be beaten or raped through the course of their life. This is not OK and it is oppression, we've just gotten used to it.
This kind of ignorance is dangerous. In order to make change we have to be able to see past our own noses and fight for women everywhere. Check your privilege, ladies. Look around you and wake the hell up. Here's a handy map to help you see how women are treated in the rest of the world. How does your country look? Not as great as you thought it would, right? Globally women's problems need attention and if we don't fight together who the hell will fight for us?
This week Mukesh Singh, one of the gang rapists sentenced to death for the brutal rape and murder of Jyoti Singh in India in 2012 stated that 'girls are much more responsible for rape than boys.' Though shocking, this attitude is not unique. Recently the University of Virginia banned its female students from attending 'bid night' fraternity parties citing it was 'for their own safety.' This implication that men can't control themselves around women and that if we get raped it's somehow in response to something we did is an archaic idea and its renaissance is unsettling.
Just this week in Ohio, a bill was proposed to limit a woman's access to birth control and to completely eradicate abortions being covered by healthcare, even if the mother's life is in danger. Is this real life? Are you fucking serious? I was sure the days of back alley coat hanger abortions were behind us, but it appears there are still those in power who dispute the ownership of our own bodies. Are you scared yet? Good.
We need to wake up and start fighting back. It's great that we got the vote and all, but that should not be where feminism stops. This March 8th what are you going to do? How are you going to celebrate this day that is supposedly in our honour? I'll be at the WOW (women on the world) Festival if you'd like to join me. Or how about raising some money for a charity that supports the safety of women like Plan UK? Or signing this petition to stop those asshats from taking away our sisters' contraceptive rights? Whatever you do, do something that both celebrates your womanhood, but helps someone else celebrate theirs.
We deserve more than a day, but that's what we get. So on this crappy excuse for a tribute to our vaginas, let's make it count.
Sunday, 1 March 2015
Sympathy for the Syrian Brides
When I was 15 years old I smoked nearly twenty cigarettes a day. I also drank from my father's liquor cabinet and threw up a lot, both from overindulgence in alcohol and my constant flirtation with bulimia. I made out with lots of boys at that age too, some with my freshly puke-scented breath. Some I didn't even like. It was just something to do.
I went to Catholic school so I'd learn discipline and not totally go off the rails like my brother, who at that time had not been permitted to graduate with his class due to excessive truancy. I was supposed to be different, but I was so tragically the same. I think we all are at that age. I look back on those years now with no regret or sadness. I got most of my self-destructiveness out of my system very early, so now I can focus on making my life and the lives of those who live on this world with me better. I am not that hot mess anymore.
The whole reason I'm here thinking about myself at that age, some 14 years later is that I am trying to make sense of why, at the age of 15, three more girls from the UK are traveling to Syria to fight with ISIS. What, in their minds is their purpose or their motivation? There's little to no evidence that these young ladies were radicalized at home or at school. The finger is being firmly pointed at social media, but even there the evidence is flimsy at best.These are not the first girls to do this. There have been eight girls in the last seven months who have made this same choice, to leave the UK for Syria. Apparently to fight and to marry. So what the hell is happening?
I can't help but wonder if what caused these girls to pack up and leave home was the same motivation that started me smoking and drinking and kissing those boys? Boredom and curiosity. This generation of teenagers have so much more to be dissatisfied with. They are constantly told that they're doomed, there's no jobs, no prospects and for the first time in the UK, university fees are totally unaffordable.I can't help but wonder that if I had a cause at the tender age if 15 if I'd have left home to fight for it because at that age I was reckless, dangerous and totally unconcerned about my future. I had nothing to lose and I think these girls don't either.
I really do feel that they have little understanding of what they're actually doing. To them this is a big adventure, they're pushing hard against life's boundaries to see what happens and it's too late to turn back. They've put the lipstick in their pockets and now they just have to walk out the door. I know comparing shoplifting makeup to treason may seem a weak comparison, but in the mind of a 15-year-old who understands neither the impact or the true consequences of their actions, I think it's a decent parallel.
So what happens now? The response by Scotland Yard has been lazy to say the least. We waited too long to alert authorities in Turkey and I can't help but wonder if this was intentional? Do we want these girls back? What happens when we find them? Will they be put in jail or slapped on the wrist? They have left the country of their birth to fight against it, so how can they return? Why haven't we done more to bring them back? How, as unaccompanied minors were they allowed to leave in the first place and where the hell did their parents think they were going?
There are a hell of a lot of questions that need answering, but I still struggle to see these girls as criminals. I see them as fantasist children trying on their big-girl pants. I see them as of victims of their own confusion and hormones. I see them as incredibly poor decision makers, like all teenage girls are. But I have trouble holding them wholly responsible for anything. I want to hear more from the parents and I really want to hear from them. So let's try a little harder to bring them back, let's not make an example of them by letting them die. If these girls were white and heading to Russia, for example, I can't help but feel our response would be more urgent.
I would like some answers and I think the only way we can help to save future young, impressionable women is to learn from those that have already been impressed upon. What were they promised? Love? Acceptance? Freedom? Most probably, and isn't that what we all wanted at 15?
I went to Catholic school so I'd learn discipline and not totally go off the rails like my brother, who at that time had not been permitted to graduate with his class due to excessive truancy. I was supposed to be different, but I was so tragically the same. I think we all are at that age. I look back on those years now with no regret or sadness. I got most of my self-destructiveness out of my system very early, so now I can focus on making my life and the lives of those who live on this world with me better. I am not that hot mess anymore.
The whole reason I'm here thinking about myself at that age, some 14 years later is that I am trying to make sense of why, at the age of 15, three more girls from the UK are traveling to Syria to fight with ISIS. What, in their minds is their purpose or their motivation? There's little to no evidence that these young ladies were radicalized at home or at school. The finger is being firmly pointed at social media, but even there the evidence is flimsy at best.These are not the first girls to do this. There have been eight girls in the last seven months who have made this same choice, to leave the UK for Syria. Apparently to fight and to marry. So what the hell is happening?
I can't help but wonder if what caused these girls to pack up and leave home was the same motivation that started me smoking and drinking and kissing those boys? Boredom and curiosity. This generation of teenagers have so much more to be dissatisfied with. They are constantly told that they're doomed, there's no jobs, no prospects and for the first time in the UK, university fees are totally unaffordable.I can't help but wonder that if I had a cause at the tender age if 15 if I'd have left home to fight for it because at that age I was reckless, dangerous and totally unconcerned about my future. I had nothing to lose and I think these girls don't either.
I really do feel that they have little understanding of what they're actually doing. To them this is a big adventure, they're pushing hard against life's boundaries to see what happens and it's too late to turn back. They've put the lipstick in their pockets and now they just have to walk out the door. I know comparing shoplifting makeup to treason may seem a weak comparison, but in the mind of a 15-year-old who understands neither the impact or the true consequences of their actions, I think it's a decent parallel.
So what happens now? The response by Scotland Yard has been lazy to say the least. We waited too long to alert authorities in Turkey and I can't help but wonder if this was intentional? Do we want these girls back? What happens when we find them? Will they be put in jail or slapped on the wrist? They have left the country of their birth to fight against it, so how can they return? Why haven't we done more to bring them back? How, as unaccompanied minors were they allowed to leave in the first place and where the hell did their parents think they were going?
There are a hell of a lot of questions that need answering, but I still struggle to see these girls as criminals. I see them as fantasist children trying on their big-girl pants. I see them as of victims of their own confusion and hormones. I see them as incredibly poor decision makers, like all teenage girls are. But I have trouble holding them wholly responsible for anything. I want to hear more from the parents and I really want to hear from them. So let's try a little harder to bring them back, let's not make an example of them by letting them die. If these girls were white and heading to Russia, for example, I can't help but feel our response would be more urgent.
I would like some answers and I think the only way we can help to save future young, impressionable women is to learn from those that have already been impressed upon. What were they promised? Love? Acceptance? Freedom? Most probably, and isn't that what we all wanted at 15?
Tuesday, 17 February 2015
A Letter to Zara From My Fat Arms
Dear Zara,
I am a loyal customer. One who often makes purchases from your online store as well as the high street. I mostly buy knitwear, but occasionally dresses and accessories as well. Of course I understand that clothing sizing isn't always fair, but I believe that can change with your help.
Here's the deal - I can't fit into your size L shirts. My big ol' arms straight-up can't squeeze in. It's like a hulk situation and I could burst through the seams at any minute. How is that possible? My arms are in perfect proportion to the rest of my body which fits in the shirt. I can button the buttons with room to spare, but I can't bend at the elbow. Whose body looks like that? Big torso, tiny arms? Give me one real-life example! It's clearly not me.
When I posted my angst on Twitter I was reassured by one of your agents that a Zara size L equates to a 12 and that it should fit; thus adding insult to injury. Not only am I too fat to fit into said shirt, but now my actual size was being questioned by the very distributor who set me up for this crushing failure. It's all too much.
I'll have you know that I am a perfect size UK12/US8. My measurements are 36-28-36, a mere 4 inches away from being a brick house. Only in a parallel universe should this be considered "large." Not that I object to being labeled as such. My issue is how your sizing makes people feel who shop at your stores who are bigger, but less body confident than me.
There are so many people you are excluding with your microscopic sizes. Think about it! Adele and Lena Dunham can't shop at your stores. Ella Henderson and Rebel Wilson probably can't even buy socks at Zara and that's ridiculous. With the average size in the UK being a 16 and a 14 in the USA why are you limiting your clientele in this way? You're missing out!
I am a young, successful, marginally attractive woman. I go on holidays to places like The Maldives and Nice. I have an expensive haircut and get facials. I am fancy, dammit! I am who you want to see walking down the street with huge Zara bags. But I can't. Because your bags are bigger than your bloody clothes. Curses!
Just for fun I compared your shirt to some of the others in my wardrobe and the results are astounding. Your size L shirt was significantly smaller than size M button-down shirts from both Topshop and Primark. If you want to go high class, your top was also miniature compared to tops from the equally upscale American retailer, Express. When I compared your shirt to one created by legendary designer Diane Von Furstenberg, her size L garment was a good 2 inches bigger than yours in the arms and the body. Explain yourself!
By making your clothes so small you are creating anxiety in the minds of women everywhere. You are undermining our body confidence, which at times is shaky at best. I know I'm not obese, but for a crushing second I felt I was and immediately had to take a photo of myself in my underwear to reassure myself. This is not the solution and is wildly impractical. But I just can't understand how can I be a size M in every other store in the world, but not even fit into your size L.
Something is wrong. Your system is broken. We fancy, important, curve-having women want to buy your clothes. Can you please create them in sizes we can wear?
Sincerely,
Size 12
I am a loyal customer. One who often makes purchases from your online store as well as the high street. I mostly buy knitwear, but occasionally dresses and accessories as well. Of course I understand that clothing sizing isn't always fair, but I believe that can change with your help.
Here's the deal - I can't fit into your size L shirts. My big ol' arms straight-up can't squeeze in. It's like a hulk situation and I could burst through the seams at any minute. How is that possible? My arms are in perfect proportion to the rest of my body which fits in the shirt. I can button the buttons with room to spare, but I can't bend at the elbow. Whose body looks like that? Big torso, tiny arms? Give me one real-life example! It's clearly not me.
When I posted my angst on Twitter I was reassured by one of your agents that a Zara size L equates to a 12 and that it should fit; thus adding insult to injury. Not only am I too fat to fit into said shirt, but now my actual size was being questioned by the very distributor who set me up for this crushing failure. It's all too much.
I'll have you know that I am a perfect size UK12/US8. My measurements are 36-28-36, a mere 4 inches away from being a brick house. Only in a parallel universe should this be considered "large." Not that I object to being labeled as such. My issue is how your sizing makes people feel who shop at your stores who are bigger, but less body confident than me.
There are so many people you are excluding with your microscopic sizes. Think about it! Adele and Lena Dunham can't shop at your stores. Ella Henderson and Rebel Wilson probably can't even buy socks at Zara and that's ridiculous. With the average size in the UK being a 16 and a 14 in the USA why are you limiting your clientele in this way? You're missing out!
I am a young, successful, marginally attractive woman. I go on holidays to places like The Maldives and Nice. I have an expensive haircut and get facials. I am fancy, dammit! I am who you want to see walking down the street with huge Zara bags. But I can't. Because your bags are bigger than your bloody clothes. Curses!
Just for fun I compared your shirt to some of the others in my wardrobe and the results are astounding. Your size L shirt was significantly smaller than size M button-down shirts from both Topshop and Primark. If you want to go high class, your top was also miniature compared to tops from the equally upscale American retailer, Express. When I compared your shirt to one created by legendary designer Diane Von Furstenberg, her size L garment was a good 2 inches bigger than yours in the arms and the body. Explain yourself!
By making your clothes so small you are creating anxiety in the minds of women everywhere. You are undermining our body confidence, which at times is shaky at best. I know I'm not obese, but for a crushing second I felt I was and immediately had to take a photo of myself in my underwear to reassure myself. This is not the solution and is wildly impractical. But I just can't understand how can I be a size M in every other store in the world, but not even fit into your size L.
Something is wrong. Your system is broken. We fancy, important, curve-having women want to buy your clothes. Can you please create them in sizes we can wear?
Sincerely,
Size 12
Sunday, 15 February 2015
Fifty Shades of Sex Policing
For the last two weeks or so I've been seeing blog after blog after article posted on social media as well as world news sites condemning Fifty Shades of Grey for the message it's sending to young women about what love and sex is. Do these people not understand that there was a book, a book that most of these young women have read and that their protests are a little late? Believe me, anything that a film company can distribute with the rating R isn't half as twisted as the stuff we can think up in our powerful, wonderful imaginations.
Fifty Shades is an incredibly poorly written account of a young woman delving into her sexuality, love and a pretty fancy lifestyle. It's not torture-porn. I fully believe that anything consensual between lovers is A-OK. When I was experimenting sexually in my first relationships I used handcuffs and ties and was the benefactor and beneficiary of the occasional spanking. I cried for attention and emotionally manipulated my partner. I wasn't a depraved sexual pervert, I was in love; crazy, burning, scarring, tortured love and it was incredible and awful at the same time.
People do all kinds of things in and out of bed to please their partners and, if you've read the shit-storm of a book you'll know that Ana, as well as her "inner goddess" were really into Christian and his red room of cliches. Both characters were adults and both knew what they were getting into. There was a written contract, for Christ sake. No nasty surprises were lurking, it was all very open, measured and clinical.
This kind of criticism of Fifty Shades sounds a lot like slut shaming to me. "Good girls don't do that kind of thing." "Poor Ana allowed herself to be corrupted by this man." "Protect your daughters..." From what exactly? From experimenting safely with their partner? From exploring erotic fantasies? From potentially finding a fulfilling relationship that isn't exactly like a Disney fairytale? Now I know I'm giving this film too much credit, but so are its critics. There are hundreds of films I can think of that have more potential for damage than this one, yet Dr. Grossman actually says this in her blog: "Excluding hard pornography, I believe Hollywood has never produced a film so hazardous to young women." That's right, a doctor and a woman said that. Sigh.
Let's think back a few years to the film The Secretary (2002), a film I think portrays BDSM in a much more quiet and sinister way than Fifty Shades. In this film Ed, the male lead also controls Lee, the female but through their sexual relationship, though potentially violent and humiliating to the outside world, it is actually safe and transformative to the psychologically damaged Lee. This film was not shouted down as being pornographic or damaging despite the humiliation and control exhibited by Ed. Spoiler alert: Lee becomes so obsessed with Ed that she sits at his desk waiting for him for days, not even leaving to use the toilet. To my recollection Ana never pisses all over herself in desperation in Fifty Shades, so why all the fuss?
Most likely publicity and recognition. People are all trying to jump on this juggernaut to get a piece of the action. It's a money making machine and we are all desperate to give it an MOT. But let's face it, it's out there, it's been out there and the only harmful thing about it is its horrible use of grammar and repetitive metaphors. The same middle-aged women who were flicking their beans to the book are shouting down the film. We all know this book and film are not going to make young women everywhere want to be pooped on. It's not going to make young men out there everywhere want to beat their partners, but if history has taught us anything it's that the more the status quo dislikes something the more likely the youngens are to try it. So let's stop giving this topic so much negative attention.
Policing young women's bedrooms and shaming them for wanting to try new things is what's damaging. So let's all give it a rest. Regrettably we've all read the book and most likely all already coerced our poor partners into giving us a good spanking. We women aren't as weak as these critics would like to think. We have the power to control what happens to our bodies and ourselves, but some of us occasionally like to give the control over to someone else and that's OK.
I get it for the articles
Let it be known that I am not the biggest Sports Illustrated fan. Mostly because I'm not a sports fan, but secondly because, since I was a child, their infamous Swimsuit Issue has given me body insecurity like nothing else could. Year after year the magazines would pile up at my childhood home and I was unable to resist peeling back the cover to see what was inside, or rather who was inside.
The Swimsuit Issue of Sports Illustrated is objectifying women, let's not pretend it has any literary value. There is no reason for those women to decorate those pages rolling about in the sand in their bikinis, as unlike in women's magazines they're not actually selling anything. Their soul purpose is for the titillation of the subscriber. The models are literally objects to be admired and nothing more. In fact, the issue's inception came about as a way to sell magazines during a particularly slow month when the motivation was less about the content and more about pushing sales. I mean, who cares about articles when there's scarcely dressed women inside?
I get it, sex sells and the women featured in the Swimsuit Issue are nothing if not sexy. However, as a woman I can't help but wonder what value this magzine actually has, as all it seems to do is perpetuate a very specific type of beauty. A very singular idea of sexy. Since 1964 the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue has featured stunningly beautiful women modeling swimwear, but they've always been of a similar shape, size and even color. Tyra Banks was the first black cover girl and that wasn't until 1997, 33 years after the first issue went to print.What a shame.
However, over recent years Sports Illustrated has began to widen the scope, ever so slightly of what they consider beautiful by allowing Kate Upton to grace their cover for the past two years running. Yes she's still blonde and yes she's still a size 8US/10UK, but in the modeling world that's plus sized. So Ms. Upton is a slightly different size of beauty and that's progress. Now I'll never be a subscriber to this publication, but I always give credit where it's due and I have to admit, that if I saw Kate's soft, curvacious body on the cover of my dad's magazines as a kid, I might have felt more positively about what was going on underneath my own clothes.
Kate Upton has changed the conversation. Especially about what men find attractive, what kind of a woman men want to look at and what will get them to open their wallets. As a result Sports Illustrated is being patted on the back again for featuring a plus size woman in their most recent Swimsuit Edition. Joining Kate Upton in the 2015 issue, Ashley Graham is all set to break the internet with her shoot weighing in at a size 14US/16UK. Each nation's average, I'd like to point out. Graham is an accurate representation of what most women look like in the nations that buy the most issues of this magazine, so it's about time that she and other women who have other body types joined the Heidi Klums and the Rebecca Romijns on the sandy pages of Sports Illustrated.
We need to change the conversation about beauty because it's not going away. Modifications need to happen. Every size, every color and every shape is beautiful. But it's going to take a lot more than the voice of this blogger to change the beauty narrative. We need more body types to be visible and accessible to young women, so they can feel more comfortable in their own skin. We need more publications pushing a body-positive initiative and I never thought I'd say this, but some magazines could learn a thing or two from Sports Illustrated.
The Swimsuit Issue of Sports Illustrated is objectifying women, let's not pretend it has any literary value. There is no reason for those women to decorate those pages rolling about in the sand in their bikinis, as unlike in women's magazines they're not actually selling anything. Their soul purpose is for the titillation of the subscriber. The models are literally objects to be admired and nothing more. In fact, the issue's inception came about as a way to sell magazines during a particularly slow month when the motivation was less about the content and more about pushing sales. I mean, who cares about articles when there's scarcely dressed women inside?
I get it, sex sells and the women featured in the Swimsuit Issue are nothing if not sexy. However, as a woman I can't help but wonder what value this magzine actually has, as all it seems to do is perpetuate a very specific type of beauty. A very singular idea of sexy. Since 1964 the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue has featured stunningly beautiful women modeling swimwear, but they've always been of a similar shape, size and even color. Tyra Banks was the first black cover girl and that wasn't until 1997, 33 years after the first issue went to print.What a shame.
However, over recent years Sports Illustrated has began to widen the scope, ever so slightly of what they consider beautiful by allowing Kate Upton to grace their cover for the past two years running. Yes she's still blonde and yes she's still a size 8US/10UK, but in the modeling world that's plus sized. So Ms. Upton is a slightly different size of beauty and that's progress. Now I'll never be a subscriber to this publication, but I always give credit where it's due and I have to admit, that if I saw Kate's soft, curvacious body on the cover of my dad's magazines as a kid, I might have felt more positively about what was going on underneath my own clothes.
Kate Upton has changed the conversation. Especially about what men find attractive, what kind of a woman men want to look at and what will get them to open their wallets. As a result Sports Illustrated is being patted on the back again for featuring a plus size woman in their most recent Swimsuit Edition. Joining Kate Upton in the 2015 issue, Ashley Graham is all set to break the internet with her shoot weighing in at a size 14US/16UK. Each nation's average, I'd like to point out. Graham is an accurate representation of what most women look like in the nations that buy the most issues of this magazine, so it's about time that she and other women who have other body types joined the Heidi Klums and the Rebecca Romijns on the sandy pages of Sports Illustrated.
We need to change the conversation about beauty because it's not going away. Modifications need to happen. Every size, every color and every shape is beautiful. But it's going to take a lot more than the voice of this blogger to change the beauty narrative. We need more body types to be visible and accessible to young women, so they can feel more comfortable in their own skin. We need more publications pushing a body-positive initiative and I never thought I'd say this, but some magazines could learn a thing or two from Sports Illustrated.
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